A number of years ago, I (Neil) remember a friend I had met at a conference in England coming over to take a staff training day in the church we were serving in. He had written a book called Leadership Anxiety which was a helpful look at how the anxieties that we carry as leaders can spread in the rooms and spaces that we lead. I won’t tell you everything he said that day, as he’d want you to buy the book 😂, but one thing he said came to my mind recently. He talked about five things that most commonly cause this anxiety in leaders; some leaders could struggle with all five to a greater or lesser extent, and some might only struggle with one. When he read through them, there was one that stood out to me miles above the others. It was clearly the thing that was a cause of leadership anxiety in me.

Having the answer!

I can’t remember his exact definition of this, but I remember what I understood. Essentially leaders who struggle with this one feel the need to be in the know, and always know what to do. That was me. I have always felt the need to prove that I understand things regardless of the topic, I have the need to always know the right thing to do, and/or perhaps at my worst, I had a desire to be the smartest in the room. It seems so silly looking back; I mean, who would ever know the right answer to everything? But somewhere inside, that was my thing. The thought of saying “I don’t know” when someone asked me a question about something, especially in my supposed field of expertise, was unacceptable for me. The very idea of asking someone to explain something again was one I did not want to entertain. Not being ‘the best’ in the room had been tied at some point to my self-worth and sense of usefulness. That training day really helped me articulate something that I didn’t totally know was there, but now that I was aware of it, I was going to make sure it didn’t win!

One of the things my friend said about leadership anxiety was that “if you could name it, you could tame it.” Whilst that sounds like an incredibly cheesy line, I was up for giving it a go, and I can say many years later that that cheesy line was completely true. When I started calling out the thing that I had been ‘anxious’ about, its hold on me began to diminish. By calling it out I mean literally saying out loud in meetings what my struggle could be in that area. My journey towards freedom in this area took a bit of time and learning. In the beginning, when someone asked me about something I didn’t know the answer to, I would say things like; “Now, you need to know that I hate not knowing the answer to things, but the truth is I really don’t know.” Or when someone was explaining something that I didn’t catch the first time, I might say; “I know this might sound stupid, but I’ll need you to explain that to me again.” I was able to refine that a little more as I moved forward, but it still proved very helpful for me. What I realized was the more that I did this, no one was bothered at all; they didn’t care that I didn’t know or didn’t understand, and they certainly didn’t care that I wasn’t the smartest in the room – it turns out they already knew that 😂. They didn’t think less of me for saying it either; in fact, they even seemed to think more of me for being honest. It gave them the license to call out their stuff as well – naming it really had tamed it and not only that, it helped to tame a lot of other anxieties as well. The anxieties that others carried. When one person models being honest with their stuff, it makes it easier for another. This dispels the anxiety that may be lurking in the room. This made the next years of leadership so much easier for me. It’s not that I was completely cured of ‘having the answer’, but I felt so much differently about it.

So, why am I talking to you about something that happened years ago? Surely this is meant to be a blog about our experiences with theonehundredyearsproject today!

Well, the reason is, I noticed a version of this tendency rising again in the last couple of weeks. On our post called Dusting off the cobwebs I talked about how we had been teaching in our family’s church at their Sunday morning gathering. I also taught at an evening service in a different location the next week. Pause there while I fill in a few gaps about teaching in churches. What I’ve learned over the years is that teaching is one of those jobs that can come under a fair bit of scrutiny. After most church services, people will talk about whether the message was good, bad, helpful, unhelpful, relevant, or irrelevant. It’s not uncommon to hear people in church talk about their favorite teacher and, by default, their less favorite, and often pastors get advice about listening to someone’s online favorite teacher for some tips! There are, of course, times when someone is lurking after a talk to disagree with something you said, there are the emails, as well as many encouragers too of course. What I’m trying to say is that all in all, teaching is a breeding ground for the anxieties of perfectionism, performance, comparison……and the need to have the right answer. Now of course, those who are called to teach should understand all of that, they should hopefully manage those internal thoughts caused by the external voices, and still do what they are called to do. OK, back to the story. As I said in that previous post, I hadn’t taught in a church service for around 18 months or so before I did so on the last Sunday of July. God had been teaching me so much over that period of time that I wasn’t teaching and I was up for sharing some of that learning, and I believed that we could really help that congregation with what we shared. Can you hear me get a little ‘puffed up’ there? Thankfully I have learned that the job of a teacher in the church is not to simply teach people stuff that is helpful, nor is it to just bring them more education, nor, of course, is it about entertainment, ego, pride, or anything else.

The job of a teacher is simply to deliver what God wants to send. Most of the work of teaching should go on behind the scenes where we pray, write, pray, craft, pray, delete, write, and craft again. The delivery is a 30-40 minute section that all the preparation moves towards. It’s not that those 30-40 minutes aren’t important, but they are only as good as the other part is.

As I prayed about what I was to share on the Sunday morning, God led me clearly to a passage in the book of Exodus. I’ll not go into the exact reference and theme here as I’ll end up preaching it all again – you should know what we are like by now 😂. While I was delighted that God had made it clear, I was also a little worried about what He had asked me to speak on, for three reasons.

1. What He had asked me to say seemed a little, forgive me for saying this, simple.
2. The church I was speaking in is known for how well they live out what God wanted me to share, and I feared that I had very little to teach them that they didn’t already know.
3. The theme is probably not an area in which I would be considered the most gifted. It is something I love, something I’m growing in, and something I deeply value, but……you get what I mean.

If I’m being honest, I so wished that God had given me something else in my wheelhouse, something new for this community, and maybe even something that would blow everyone away. After all, it was the first time I had spoken in 18 months. For the first time in a while, I had to tuck away my leadership anxiety of ‘having the answer’ and do what I had been asked to do. As I sat down to write the talk, the words didn’t come easily, I have to admit. Often, when I am writing something, I can go for ages, and at the end of the writing and crafting process, I am having to cut parts out because I have too much stuff to be useful. This wasn’t the case. I was struggling to know where to take it. I had bits and pieces, but nothing cohesive. It was only a few days before we spoke that finally it came together. I knew I had something that God wanted us to teach, and whilst I should have been delighted with that, the human side of me was unsure. After delivering the talk, I’m not sure if that human side felt any more assured by the way, but deep down, I knew I had been obedient to the call of God.

The learning didn’t stop there as the next week I got asked to share at an evening service. This would be a shorter talk, about 10 minutes or so, and I’d be working with a translator as well. I didn’t get a lot of notice, but when I prayed about what to share that afternoon, God was gracious and showed me clearly again what He wanted me to share. This time…….IT WAS AN EVEN SIMPLER THEME (forgive me again) THAN THE FIRST TIME!!!! Once again I did what I had been asked, and I knew I had been obedient.

So, all that to say, I’m still learning, folks. I’m learning how to be obedient to what He has asked and how to be disobedient to the side of me that still wants to look learned, sage-like, and ahead of the rest! Oh man, what fickle people we are, eh? I’m just presuming you have similar struggles to me!!!! Thanks for listening to my ramble; I hope this is the best blog post you have ever read! 😂